I am feeling very humbled and thankful tonight.
I have spent most of the day feeling very down-in-the-dumps and mopy. I should be shouting for joy for every second that God gives me with my family and instead, I have the "woeisme's." I got the kids all tucked in and asleep and I turned on the television. A medical program was on, and there was a lady that had cancer that was eating away every organ in her abdomen. The doctors were going to attempt to take out every cancerous organ, remove tumor, and reinsert. The lady was young, with children, and the prognosis was grim. The doctor told her that the possibility of removing the entire tumor was not likely.
I turned it off. I could not stand to watch because it really broke me.
I figured Facebook would surely have some comically captioned pictures that would lighten my mood.
Nope. A nine year old boy that some friends and I have been praying for, passed away. He lost his battle with cancer, leaving his mom and dad and brother to deal with the heartache and pain of tragic loss.
There are several people in my church family dealing with their own battle with cancer right now. One of my favorite teachers from high school has two young children and is fighting breast cancer.
So many others are going through situations that hurt deeply on an emotional level. Everyone seems to have to deal with their own personal battles.
I guess my pastor is right, in this life you are either just coming out of a storm, you are right in the middle of a storm, or you are about to enter into a storm. The point of it all is who you run to for shelter in the storm. I started to title this post "SO VERY BLESSED." But that's not fair. Who am I to say that the reason I am not going through something as horrific as losing a child is because I am more blessed than that person? No. God doesn't work like that. I am indeed very blessed. Not because God likes me more than someone else, but because He loves me enough to allow me to go through tribulation so that I will draw nearer to Him.
I guess God showed me tonight that my storm isn't really so big after all. I am struggling with it. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not perfect. I have doubts and fears that overwhelm me at times. I am struggling with the fact that my heart wants to act like its 90 instead of 27. I am struggling with the fact that I get out of breath when I climb a flight of stairs, and that all I feel like doing is sleeping. I'm struggling with pride and the fact that for TWO WEEKS I am going to have to depend on someone else to take care of my kids, my house, and me. Most of all I am struggling with the fear that the doctors won't be able to fix me. That is a terrifying thought, because I feel like I am moving in slow motion. I can't imagine living like this for the rest of my life. How selfish am I?!! So many people do live majorly restricted lives and have wonderful outlooks and fulfilling lives. Why can't I just be one of those God-trusting, non-doubters?
I know that I am having a very simple procedure. Pacemaker surgeries generally take 2-3 hours, and are very routine. It's not even considered major surgery anymore. I don't think I've ever been more nervous. I am so grateful that there even is a procedure and medication that can correct my issues. Praise God for modern medicine! I hate the fact that I'm feeling so depressed about this. I could be going through a situation that is so much worse, but I'm not.
I'm going to try to shove off the "woeisme's" and pray for those who are going through worse situations.
Hopefully my next post will be full of happy. :)
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